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Hell on 8 Wheels
Published May 2006 on Imperfect Parent
I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. And surprisingly my two and four-year-old aren’t to blame.
I’ve been lying in bed thinking of taglines for the Memphis Roller Derby logo, rink names for some of my new skater friends, and drills to try out at our next practice. Sometimes I just lie there and imagine myself jamming through a row of blockers while the announcer screams, “Smashimi scores again!”...(Read more)
From the Gentle Discipline Files
Published in 2004 on Imperfect Parent
Frazzled, new mother of two with a stern look and serious voice says, “Satchel. Do. Not. Hit. The. Baby.”
Two-year-old boy with an impish grin and a far cry from his inside voice chortles, “Bwahahaha!”
Dr. Sears, that prolific know-it-all, wrote that the attached child will often obey his/her parents after a disapproving glance because s/he wants to please them. Well, yes, that worked when Satchel was, uh, not two...(Read more)
Imelda in the Making
Published in 2004 on Imperfect Parent
Satchel sat up in bed at 5:30am and said (in his sleep), “Puppy shoes.”
My almost two year old son is obsessed with shoes. At first, he just seemed excited to have shoes. He liked trying on Mommy’s and Daddy’s shoes, and was genuinely excited when he got a new pair of slippers for the cold and rubber boots for the rain. His excitement was somewhat contagious which led his dad to order him a miniature pair of Blundstone boots (“Blunnies”) so they could match, months before they would ever fit. I took advantage of a few winter sales by purchasing some cool Vans-like sneakers and Merrell-like slip-ons from Land’s End. Put these events together and you have a toddler who owns seven pairs of shoes. Take this fact and add to it the toddler’s ability to speak and open his cabinet door, and you’ve got trouble...(Read more)
A Call to Arms and Breasts
Published August, 2003 on Imperfect Parent
When I was in high school, I knew people who stood on the corner across from the mall holding signs that read, "Fur is dead." Friends in college joined local chapters of Amnesty International and attended war protests. I was interested in volunteerism and serving the community, but I never really considered myself an activist. I didn't feel really passionate about any one thing. I was more of a "go with the flow" type of person...(Read more)
Machinery I Have Loved
Published in 2003 on Imperfect ParentThe Medela Pump in Style (PIS) is the second* piece of machinery that I have actually kissed after using it for the first time. I had used a manual Avent Isis pump a few times in the first few months, but always found it taxing. The Isis saved me when my milk came in and I thought my breasts were going to explode with a big, milky bang. It also helped to perk up my less than perky right nipple so that my son could latch on, but it fell short when it came to collecting massive amounts of milk. For me, the Isis combined with surfing the Internet was a Carpal Tunnel cocktail I couldn’t swallow...(Read more)
How to Get Laid
Published in 2003 on Imperfect ParentThere was a time when I fantasized about my husband coming home, grabbing me lustfully, throwing me on the bed (or the table or the kitchen counter) and making wild, monkey love to me. This is not one of those times.
Men listen up. If you want to get laid there are a few things you should know. First off, nothing is sexier than doing the dishes, except vacuuming. Really! Nothing fills me with lust more than a clean house that I didn’t have to clean. So please, instead of grabbing your woman’s breasts (which have most likely been fondled and suckled enough by your offspring), grab a broom...(Read more)
Anatomy of a Supper Club
Published in 2003 on Imperfect ParentI am blessed with a husband who is a great cook. He also enjoys cooking. I like cooking, but really only know how to cook a handful of things. When Warren and I first started living together, dinner was a team effort. Warren was alpha chef and I was beta. As beta, my duties involved minor prep work and clean up. When we moved into our house a few years ago, the kitchen had less space and I was booted from the cooking area completely. In the past year, other than preparing Satchel’s baby food, I have cooked dinner enough times to count on one hand...(Read more)
