Friday, September 9, 2016

Soothing Sounds for Today’s Modern Ambien-Intolerant Woman.

Published August 12, 2016 on McSweeney's

BY KYLE STATHAM and STACEY GREENBERG
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Crisp kale leaves falling into place in a compostable cardboard container at the Whole Food’s salad bar

Cleanly cut cauliflower cross-sections sizzling in coconut oil in a well-seasoned Le Creuset pan

Organic gingerberry kombucha effervescing over pellet ice in a commemorative Ragnar race pint glass

A bladeless Dyson fan ruffling the crisp pages of an almost-finished dissertation

Rolling and unrolling a $75 Lululemon yoga mat which has finally lost that baby seal smell

Continuous text alerts from an iPhone 6 set to vibrate and resting on a hard surface

Loritab capsules gently knocking about in a prescription bottle at the bottom of a Birkin bag

A massage therapist’s ballpeen hammer thoroughly thumping the lumbar vertebrae

Perfectly tanned skin on a perfectly Crossfit thigh coming unstuck from a Herman Miller chair

Successive snaps being hastily undone on Franco’s heather gray and mocha-toned faux-vintage cowboy shirt

Quarter-sized bubble wrap popping to the tune of that Beyonce song about cunnilingus

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